sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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