Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
