My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
