still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
