i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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