My room smells like vodka and shame
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
