Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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