I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
