Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
