Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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