I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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