I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's like iHOP with fire
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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