My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
