I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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