I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
