I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
