You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
