looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
