I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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