Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
