The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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