the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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