my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
