maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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