We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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