there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
