youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
