**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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