Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You took a bar mat shot.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
