Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
