Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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