get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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