I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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