Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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