there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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