my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
