Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
