rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
