dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
