no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Someone shattered a urinal.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
