Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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