I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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