i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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