she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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