I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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