The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize