pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
