I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
