Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
