I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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