Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I will be naked everywhere
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
