Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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