I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
