I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
